Stuck in Recovery

The past couple of weeks, I have really struggled to make sense of how to move forward in my recovery and have even reverted back to habits, I don't like.  After talking to a very helpful person, he helped me to realize that sometimes, you just have to put aside what is frustrating you and work on something else for a bit.   This helped me so much.  I found a couple of positive affirmations that will hopefully make you smile and give you hope that even when you take a few steps back, you can move forward at a later time.  

“You can get the monkey off your back, but the circus never leaves town”
― Anne Lamott, Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith 

“I am a work in progress.”
― Violet Yates, Lost & Found 

Grey Skies

Today, the weather is cloudy, gloomy and rainy.   So I thought my blog post should be about things that can distracted you from the cloudy, gloomy weather or grey moods.  

My first suggestion is spend time figuring out if there is something in a texture or craft that soothes your soul.  For me, this particular comfort comes from crafting with yarn.  I love crocheting.  I love it so much, that it is my small business/past time.  I spend a lot of time coming up with new idea of things that I can sell and building stock on the classics I am so good at.   I have friends that find extreme comforting in drawing on paper with chalk, pick a theme and see where the mind takes you.  

My second suggestion is talk to someone that has a sunshine personality.  By this I don't mean go find the happiest person on earth, just go find that person that will brighten your day through conversation or hearing their voice.  

If all else fails, you can always pick out a fun new or classic movie that has happy undertones to brighten your day.  I find old films with people like Doris Day, etc to be so outrageously funny and bring back wonderful childhood memories of spending Saturday afternoons with my mom.  

What ever brightens your day, you can do it rain or shine, but it is very important to have these activities in your back pocket when you need some sunshine.  

Cupcakes

Today is about treating yourself to sweet treats.

I happen to love a certain cupcake food truck that comes to visit near my work once a week.  In treatment, they made us take dessert once a week as part of lunch.  This always seemed ironic to me or the fact that I could substitute Oatmeal Raisin Cookies for meal choices.  But eventually, I learned that just like any other food, if I eat it in moderation, it is ok.  All food fits in somewhere.  What does an 2 normal Oatmeal Cookies exchange for you ask?  1 Grain and 1 Fat.  Well that is just one less teaspoon of butter and one less helping of starch in my meal or replacing a roll with butter. 

So next time you crave a little something sweet, think through the ingredients, what can it replace in your meal plan?  If it can't replace something, think about how often you indulge in it, every so it is ok to have that piece of cake.  Just don't make three pieces or 3 cupcakes like I use to.   

Inspiration through Struggle

I always find struggling to be the hardest area for me to tackle.  Today's Quote again comes from lots of google searching for what I am relating to.  I found this quote:

“You stay safe, You love. You survive. You laugh and cry and struggle and sometimes you fail and sometimes you succeed. You Push.”
― Carrie Ryan, The Dead-Tossed Waves 

This quote spoke to me today.   I'm not whole struggling, but I every day I go through moments of struggle.  This statement is so correct, sometimes, I fail miserably and sometimes I succeed.  What I find through each of those moments is a the ability to push myself to either do something better or do something different.  This year is all about change.  With that change comes questions, with those questions, comes lots and lots of growth. 

Everyday I write in my blog, it helps me to work through whatever I am thinking about.  I hope as you push to make your life better and find balance, you find the ability to push past whatever is going on at that moment. 

Life - Positive Affirmation

Here is what I found Inspirational today: 

"Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can.”
― Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight

As I read Google for positive thought of the day, I thought today should be about life.  At times, I am ready to celebrate it.  I know because I made the choice to get treatment, I will live.  But is it ok to just exist?  Everyone's answer at some point in their life should be be NO!!!  Yes I meant that to be in all caps.  

I've been at both ends of this quote.  Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse for several months, something else seemed to happen.  I chose to bury it food.  Other people may make other choices.    

At the other end of the spectrum, going through treatment, learning what was behind the food and who I was gave me one very important message.  Live every day to do something positive.  You can do a hundred things wrong that nobody or very little few people notice.  If I learned anything in treatment about myself is that I spent far to much time thinking about what others will forget in moments, stop dwelling on it.  If you do something each right and put positive energy there, others will be drawn into it.  They will want to see that next big thing from you. 

What will your one positive thing today?  Think about it, focus on it!!! Now just go do it.    Then wait to see what happens next.....

Change begins and ends with me!!!

As I got ready for work this morning, I was thinking what quote I wanted to use today.  And instead of googling (which I do really well) for inspiration, I decided to think what part of my life I am currently in and what I thought of that phase.  The past month has been one day after another of change and I use to resist change, but now I welcome it.  That made me think that today's quote should be:  "Change begins and ends with me!!!" 

What does this mean to me?  It symbolizes that only I can make the the decision to change and retain my changes.  I love all the positive things that have come from the past few months; however, change is hard.  I say take it one day, one step at a time.   Truth is, I'd really like to be at the finish line and just living my life.  However, if you think through that statement, you are never really done changing or growing.  You will always find new things you like to do, new people to be around and new adventures to accomplish. 

I encourage all of you think what changes you would like to make and find a plan that works for you.   But never let anyone else be in the driver's seat of your changes.  In the end, those people cannot be the change agent, only you can be.  You have to live to make yourself happy first, that will radiate to make everyone else happy. 

I absolutely love this quote as a positive affirmation.... Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.”
― Marcus Aurelius

Words like Shame, Guilt, Failure all play into the eating disorder mind set.  I know we label certain words as naughty words our children.  In recovery, I choose to label those words as naughty for me.  What's on your naughty word list?  (This is not meant to be triggering, just thought provoking). 

All about My Story

Thank you for coming to my blog.  I wanted to create this blog in an effort to share the knowledge I gathered in my short outpatient treatment for Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and how I have carried that information into my everyday life.  

I will start by giving you a little bit of history about me.   My love affair with food started very early in life.  I learned to bake and cook with my grandmother and mother.  Much like any child that grew up in a small town, you have an identity as you grow up and giving up that identity is sometimes so hard.  The identity becomes your protection.   Part of my identity was being a bigger person.  I can remember being big all the way back to junior high.  I remember some eating disorder behaviors being present in high school.   I lost my dad at a young age, my mom in my twenties and recently my stepfather.  As I tried to cope with the loss of my stepfather, my reliance on food became more and more prevalent.  I had no one left to be proud of me, so why did I care if I lived or didn’t live.  The pain was just entirely too much.  I somehow lost all of my identity when no one needed me.  That is how distorted my thinking became.  Never mind, that I had an amazing family that still needed me and a handful of friends that still liked my presence.   I had pushed the majority of them away with what I now label as my behaviors or defense mechanism.  I’ll hurt you before you can hurt me.   A few refused to go and a few chose to live in the background.   

I remember the day I was told it was believed that my eating disorder was serious enough to seek outpatient treatment.  I remember all the crying and thinking no, I couldn’t be this bad.  Truth be told, I was there, I knew what I was doing to myself; but somehow you are always the last one to admit it.  As well, I remember being terrified of telling all those people that loved me so much and how un-proud of me they were going to be.  I was being so weak.  Truth was they were all so proud of me for getting help for what they all knew was a problem.  

As I entered treatment, I thought I’ll go, they will make me eat right.  I’ll follow program and that is all I have to do.  And for the first few weeks, that is exactly what I did.  I thought this is too easy; I’ll be out of here in no time.  This is no challenge.   Until one Friday, I didn’t finish my meal and I had my first breakdown in program and it lasted for 5 whole days.  I really peeled back the onion than.  I won’t go into specifics, but thanks to very good treatment friends and counselors that waited for me to be ready.  I came through it and I got out of my “honeymoon phase”.  I started to face the real emotions behind the eating and really got to dig into my treatment and making myself whole again.  

I learned about grounding and really learning to sit with my feelings.  Knowing that it is ok not to be perfect and not labeling my faults as failures.  That was probably my biggest hurdle was learning to not use the word failure.  Most people would look at me and say there is no way she can have an eating disorder, she is big girl, she is not skinny.  They are so very wrong.  Eating disorders come in many forms and they impact people of all shapes and sizes.  

However, what I learned in treatment is that if I take it one meal, one snack at a time.  Food isn’t evil, it is so very yummy.  I learned to eat a whole host of new foods.  No foods are off limits, I just had to learn that they were not medication and eat them in reasonable amounts.   I threw away my old best friend the scale, the numbers are no longer important, it is how I feel on the inside and that I take care of me first.  I love to take care of others, but you can no longer take care of them if you are too busy harming yourself.   I will reveal so much through my little posts each day, but hopefully, this gives you enough information to want to keep reading about my adventure and to learn about why supporting people going through this process is so important.