Spring

I love Spring!!!  It gives me hope of new time of year.  The pretty flowers make me smile.  The thought of seeing the sun and being outside to soak it up more often makes me happy.   I enjoy the longer days as we head towards the summer months.  The thought of taking my nieces and nephew to the play park and chasing them all over this year is an especially nice thought.

I am using this spring to symbolize a new chapter, I look forward to a more active spring and summer.  Walking around and enjoying the fresh air more.  Making my quality of life so much better.  For so long, I've always said I enjoy exercising at night more than during the day, but I think that was a sign of me just not wanting other to see me.  So my new challenge will be to exercise during the daylight hours this week. 

I hope everyone has a great first week of April!!!

"Be your own sunshine and your light will radiate to others."  - Me

Amazing Support People

Today, I would like to focus on what it means to have supportive people.  I have read and thought through this topic a lot as it relates to my eating disorder.  I'm fortunate to have so many different types of supportive people in my life. 

I have found there are three categories of support in my life.  Professionals, family and friends.

The professionals in my life really understand what I'm going through and help me to make better choices or reframe my thinking.  I am super fortunate to have an amazing nutritiionist and therapist that every couple of weeks, they take time out their schedules to care and help me cope.  

My family may not always know what is going on in my head, but they are always there.   Always, they are there for me to call when I'm struggling.  Most of them time, they just let me chatter away, because they know that is what I need to get through the moment.   

Lastly, there are my friends.   I don't expect them to be there all the time, but I do expect them to just be supportive. I happen to have some outstanding friends that when I need to veg or de-stress they are always there.

These people make me smile every day and make me want my recovery more and more.  I hope you take time to think through who will most support you in your recovery and make sure they know they are appreciated. 

Happy Friday to all!!!!  I hope you have a fabulous weekend.  

“Encourage, lift and strengthen one another. For the positive energy spread to one will be felt by us all. For we are connected, one and all.”
- Deborah Day

Sewing to Distraction

So about a month ago, I treated my self to a nice, but not to fancy sewing machine.  I decided I needed something to distract myself when I get the urge to eat.  Nothing is a better distraction in my mind than projects.  

My first project is a blanket for one of my friend's adorable baby.  I thought it would take me forever to pick up this sewing skill.  However, I took my first class on Tuesday and last night I sewed the whole front of a blanket.  I found myself so wrapped up in the project that two hours had passed in no time flat.  This got me to thinking of how I could integrate this into my everyday life for a good cause.  

I want to make some stuff to sell on my Etsy site,but I need a lot of practice.  So this got me to think about how the quote "practice makes perfect",  and just maybe I could smake some for charity to be my practice items. This weekend JoAnn Fabrics has a wonderful coupon that takes an additional 25% off sale and clearance material.  I will be begin scouting for clearance fabric and make blankets and dolls clothes for children's charities.  I'm so excited about this idea.  I love the idea of giving back.   I'm thinking of donating to Project Linus, St. Jude and maybe some local charities. 

I challenge you to find things that distract you from thinking about you disorder. I felt so much strength come out of this discovery that I knew it would make a great blog topic.  Please feel free to comment if you have suggestions for charities or if you want to share what distracts you from your ED.  

Amy

Hitting the Reset Button

On Friday, I gave myself homework to do.  So I've spent the weekend re-organizing and resetting my recovery tools. 

I removed the information not necessary in my special Pink binder, added lots of paper for both my food journal and other misc writing tasks.  On Saturday, I went back to what works for me and that is writing down my eating.  Even though my eating patterns may not be what they were in program, when I see it on paper, it helps both me and my dietician identify missteps or things I could be doing differently.  It does one other major thing for me:  it holds me ACCOUNTABLE.  Something that I constantly identify as a missing component when things go down the wrong path.  

Additionally, up to this point, I've be renting my books from the library reading them and buying the ones that are helpful.  Well, this means they are only helpful at home and I can't carry them all with me.  This weekend, I made the choice to download the Nook app and the very first book I downloaded was "Life without Ed".  Now when I'm struggling.  I can pull it up on my phone, read a few pages that are good references and calm myself back down.   This helps to quiet ED and Little Miss Perfect down a little. 

Additionally, I took the time to re-read the first few chapters and the one that talks about the other people in room, gave me a few other voices to listen for that can be dangerous.  One is the Timekeeper and the other  was the Should Have Monster.  I can distinctly say that all of these also play a part in my life.  The Should Have Monster takes over when Miss Perfect rings the bell on what I didn't do correctly.  This personality traits are fine when you can take their feedback and use it constructively.  However, I've found, they just make me want to eat away my mistakes. 

My task list for this week is:

• Journal my food (good or bad) 
• Start back up my exercise program (nothing huge, maybe 30 mins 3X this week) 
• Re-write my What I wish you knew poem.  If you are not familiar with this poem.  Google it, for the ED people that read(It will ring far more true then you wish)  For support individuals, only read it if you are strong enough to want to know the struggle.  I cry every time I read, but I challenge you to take it and write your own very.  The benefits far outweigh the pain you experience while writing. 

Why do I share my task list with everyone.   It holds me accountable and makes me responsible.  My quote today is going to focus on just that, it speaks to the responsibility we project on ourselves as perfectionist and it is so misplaced

“No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.” George Burns

Stress Effects on My Eating Disorder

I have not blogged in quit sometime due to stress and just not knowing what to do with all the chaos going on in and around me.   This week after a very important discussion, I stopped to assessed what was going on and took some time to figure out how to get myself back in the right place to focus on me.  Thanks to a very special person that is always able to get me back in the right frame of mind.  I never wonder to far off the path. 

As I started to review what was said to me in this discussion, it occurred to me that this person highlighted one very important key to figuring me out.  That is my very distinct patterns that I get in.   When I get stressed or wound up about stuff, I immediately fall back on what I know to cope and that is I let myself get so wound up I don't know what to do with myself.  

I read a very important book a month ago called "Life without Ed".  The book is a remarkable read.  I found it to be so helpful.  It helps you to identify all those things or personalities that tell you bad things.  I say I have to people that talk to me, no I don't hear voices, I have personality traits that live inside of me.  One is what the book calls my abusive boyfriend Ed, he tells me I'm never good enough.  The other one in the book and I love what they call her, that is Little Miss Perfect.  She has a very loud voice in my life.  I had learned to control her a bit in program and to tell myself it was OK not to be perfect.  Let's face it, no one is perfect and everyone fails.  It is how you deal with the failure or what you view as failure that makes a difference.  Mine is more about what I view as failure or not meeting others expectations.

So my homework assignment for the weekend will be to re-evaluate how I have coped most recently with all the To Do's in my work and personal life and figure out what the right balance should have been and where I should have asked others for help.  

I will close out with my favorite thing to do in my blogs and that is a quote.  Today, I found inspiration in Debra Messing's Quote about passion and perfection, this may just be the clue I needed. 

"When you're passionate about something, you want it to be all it can be. But in the endgame of life, I fundamentally believe the key to happiness is letting go of that idea of perfection."

Chinese Fortune

Today at work, we celebrate Chinese New Year with food.  In the past, this would have been another one of my opportunities to lose control and just think oh I screwed up and didn't eat right.  However, I took this opportunity to challenge myself to enjoy the my co-workers and the food without anxiety.  So often the stress and anxiety of eating around others would overwhelm me and make me lose control.  Today, I tried a little bit of everything and walked away pretty happy with no guilt.  

When I cracked open my fortune cookie, it only seemed fitting that it would read:  Investigate new possibilities with friends.  Now is the time!!!

Every day of my journey, I learn something new.  Whether it be about food, myself, my feelings or why food became such a presence in my life.  I try to celebrate ever milestone or at least congratulate myself when I don't melt down.  

I hope all of you discover the possibilities of being free of ED and all the hope it can bring into your life!!!!  

Weekend Eating

I always find weekends to be challenging.  There is not much normality to my schedule and I get out of all of my good habits that I have in place during the weekend.  Before I would have been extremely punishing of myself in this scenario; however, now I just do the best I can.  I try to get in all three meals and snacks.  Snacks are the harder part and lunch gets very challenging, especially on Sundays.  Sundays seem to be mostly brunch and dinner, so I allow myself a little more at each meal and still eat my three snacks like I normally would. 

In the long run, you know one day of off schedule eating will not hurt you.  You just have to remind yourself that you do the best you can and you can always hit the reset button at the next snack or meal.  

Stuck in Recovery

The past couple of weeks, I have really struggled to make sense of how to move forward in my recovery and have even reverted back to habits, I don't like.  After talking to a very helpful person, he helped me to realize that sometimes, you just have to put aside what is frustrating you and work on something else for a bit.   This helped me so much.  I found a couple of positive affirmations that will hopefully make you smile and give you hope that even when you take a few steps back, you can move forward at a later time.  

“You can get the monkey off your back, but the circus never leaves town”
― Anne Lamott, Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith 

“I am a work in progress.”
― Violet Yates, Lost & Found 

Grey Skies

Today, the weather is cloudy, gloomy and rainy.   So I thought my blog post should be about things that can distracted you from the cloudy, gloomy weather or grey moods.  

My first suggestion is spend time figuring out if there is something in a texture or craft that soothes your soul.  For me, this particular comfort comes from crafting with yarn.  I love crocheting.  I love it so much, that it is my small business/past time.  I spend a lot of time coming up with new idea of things that I can sell and building stock on the classics I am so good at.   I have friends that find extreme comforting in drawing on paper with chalk, pick a theme and see where the mind takes you.  

My second suggestion is talk to someone that has a sunshine personality.  By this I don't mean go find the happiest person on earth, just go find that person that will brighten your day through conversation or hearing their voice.  

If all else fails, you can always pick out a fun new or classic movie that has happy undertones to brighten your day.  I find old films with people like Doris Day, etc to be so outrageously funny and bring back wonderful childhood memories of spending Saturday afternoons with my mom.  

What ever brightens your day, you can do it rain or shine, but it is very important to have these activities in your back pocket when you need some sunshine.  

Cupcakes

Today is about treating yourself to sweet treats.

I happen to love a certain cupcake food truck that comes to visit near my work once a week.  In treatment, they made us take dessert once a week as part of lunch.  This always seemed ironic to me or the fact that I could substitute Oatmeal Raisin Cookies for meal choices.  But eventually, I learned that just like any other food, if I eat it in moderation, it is ok.  All food fits in somewhere.  What does an 2 normal Oatmeal Cookies exchange for you ask?  1 Grain and 1 Fat.  Well that is just one less teaspoon of butter and one less helping of starch in my meal or replacing a roll with butter. 

So next time you crave a little something sweet, think through the ingredients, what can it replace in your meal plan?  If it can't replace something, think about how often you indulge in it, every so it is ok to have that piece of cake.  Just don't make three pieces or 3 cupcakes like I use to.   

Inspiration through Struggle

I always find struggling to be the hardest area for me to tackle.  Today's Quote again comes from lots of google searching for what I am relating to.  I found this quote:

“You stay safe, You love. You survive. You laugh and cry and struggle and sometimes you fail and sometimes you succeed. You Push.”
― Carrie Ryan, The Dead-Tossed Waves 

This quote spoke to me today.   I'm not whole struggling, but I every day I go through moments of struggle.  This statement is so correct, sometimes, I fail miserably and sometimes I succeed.  What I find through each of those moments is a the ability to push myself to either do something better or do something different.  This year is all about change.  With that change comes questions, with those questions, comes lots and lots of growth. 

Everyday I write in my blog, it helps me to work through whatever I am thinking about.  I hope as you push to make your life better and find balance, you find the ability to push past whatever is going on at that moment. 

Life - Positive Affirmation

Here is what I found Inspirational today: 

"Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can.”
― Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight

As I read Google for positive thought of the day, I thought today should be about life.  At times, I am ready to celebrate it.  I know because I made the choice to get treatment, I will live.  But is it ok to just exist?  Everyone's answer at some point in their life should be be NO!!!  Yes I meant that to be in all caps.  

I've been at both ends of this quote.  Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse for several months, something else seemed to happen.  I chose to bury it food.  Other people may make other choices.    

At the other end of the spectrum, going through treatment, learning what was behind the food and who I was gave me one very important message.  Live every day to do something positive.  You can do a hundred things wrong that nobody or very little few people notice.  If I learned anything in treatment about myself is that I spent far to much time thinking about what others will forget in moments, stop dwelling on it.  If you do something each right and put positive energy there, others will be drawn into it.  They will want to see that next big thing from you. 

What will your one positive thing today?  Think about it, focus on it!!! Now just go do it.    Then wait to see what happens next.....

Change begins and ends with me!!!

As I got ready for work this morning, I was thinking what quote I wanted to use today.  And instead of googling (which I do really well) for inspiration, I decided to think what part of my life I am currently in and what I thought of that phase.  The past month has been one day after another of change and I use to resist change, but now I welcome it.  That made me think that today's quote should be:  "Change begins and ends with me!!!" 

What does this mean to me?  It symbolizes that only I can make the the decision to change and retain my changes.  I love all the positive things that have come from the past few months; however, change is hard.  I say take it one day, one step at a time.   Truth is, I'd really like to be at the finish line and just living my life.  However, if you think through that statement, you are never really done changing or growing.  You will always find new things you like to do, new people to be around and new adventures to accomplish. 

I encourage all of you think what changes you would like to make and find a plan that works for you.   But never let anyone else be in the driver's seat of your changes.  In the end, those people cannot be the change agent, only you can be.  You have to live to make yourself happy first, that will radiate to make everyone else happy. 

I absolutely love this quote as a positive affirmation.... Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.”
― Marcus Aurelius

Words like Shame, Guilt, Failure all play into the eating disorder mind set.  I know we label certain words as naughty words our children.  In recovery, I choose to label those words as naughty for me.  What's on your naughty word list?  (This is not meant to be triggering, just thought provoking). 

All about My Story

Thank you for coming to my blog.  I wanted to create this blog in an effort to share the knowledge I gathered in my short outpatient treatment for Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and how I have carried that information into my everyday life.  

I will start by giving you a little bit of history about me.   My love affair with food started very early in life.  I learned to bake and cook with my grandmother and mother.  Much like any child that grew up in a small town, you have an identity as you grow up and giving up that identity is sometimes so hard.  The identity becomes your protection.   Part of my identity was being a bigger person.  I can remember being big all the way back to junior high.  I remember some eating disorder behaviors being present in high school.   I lost my dad at a young age, my mom in my twenties and recently my stepfather.  As I tried to cope with the loss of my stepfather, my reliance on food became more and more prevalent.  I had no one left to be proud of me, so why did I care if I lived or didn’t live.  The pain was just entirely too much.  I somehow lost all of my identity when no one needed me.  That is how distorted my thinking became.  Never mind, that I had an amazing family that still needed me and a handful of friends that still liked my presence.   I had pushed the majority of them away with what I now label as my behaviors or defense mechanism.  I’ll hurt you before you can hurt me.   A few refused to go and a few chose to live in the background.   

I remember the day I was told it was believed that my eating disorder was serious enough to seek outpatient treatment.  I remember all the crying and thinking no, I couldn’t be this bad.  Truth be told, I was there, I knew what I was doing to myself; but somehow you are always the last one to admit it.  As well, I remember being terrified of telling all those people that loved me so much and how un-proud of me they were going to be.  I was being so weak.  Truth was they were all so proud of me for getting help for what they all knew was a problem.  

As I entered treatment, I thought I’ll go, they will make me eat right.  I’ll follow program and that is all I have to do.  And for the first few weeks, that is exactly what I did.  I thought this is too easy; I’ll be out of here in no time.  This is no challenge.   Until one Friday, I didn’t finish my meal and I had my first breakdown in program and it lasted for 5 whole days.  I really peeled back the onion than.  I won’t go into specifics, but thanks to very good treatment friends and counselors that waited for me to be ready.  I came through it and I got out of my “honeymoon phase”.  I started to face the real emotions behind the eating and really got to dig into my treatment and making myself whole again.  

I learned about grounding and really learning to sit with my feelings.  Knowing that it is ok not to be perfect and not labeling my faults as failures.  That was probably my biggest hurdle was learning to not use the word failure.  Most people would look at me and say there is no way she can have an eating disorder, she is big girl, she is not skinny.  They are so very wrong.  Eating disorders come in many forms and they impact people of all shapes and sizes.  

However, what I learned in treatment is that if I take it one meal, one snack at a time.  Food isn’t evil, it is so very yummy.  I learned to eat a whole host of new foods.  No foods are off limits, I just had to learn that they were not medication and eat them in reasonable amounts.   I threw away my old best friend the scale, the numbers are no longer important, it is how I feel on the inside and that I take care of me first.  I love to take care of others, but you can no longer take care of them if you are too busy harming yourself.   I will reveal so much through my little posts each day, but hopefully, this gives you enough information to want to keep reading about my adventure and to learn about why supporting people going through this process is so important.